Breathe In. Breathe Out.

Ok, so I am young for my "grade", so I've always felt a bit left behind. I was the last of my friends to get a driver's license, the last to see rated-R movies, I'm still not 21 and I'm about to be a senior in college (excuse me, WHAT), so you won't see me on Margarita Mondays, which is incredibly lame. I've always been left with this heavy feeling that everyone was embarking on these novelties that I couldn't try out yet, and it made me feel super lonely and forgotten-about. Still does sometimes. But I think circumstances are placed in our paths for a reason, and I am not certain of a lot of things, but I have a feeling that year 20 of my life is definitely trying to teach me something, and it's stretching me and growing me in ways I didn't know I could.

Back to this left behind thing.

Something you should know about me: I've applied for about 3 jobs in my whole life, I don't even have a profile photo on the LinkedIn account my professor FORCED me to create, and I certainly have not a clue what I'm doing, where I'm going, or when I'm going there. None of this is to say I have no ambition. I am a very passionate person and I truly work hard and pour my soul into my endeavors. Life just hasn't paved out a nice shiny asphalt path for me... my path is more like one of those gravel ones where you hit ten pot holes and have to pull over to see if your tire is flat. Then, apprehensively keep going and lose service so you have no map and you're panicking but then you see a hopeful sign, but don't want to get your hopes up too high because you're still unsure if you're ever gonna see civilization again. This metaphor is getting too complex, but you can probably follow? hahah. Long story short: I'm still wandering a bit.

SO. why are there intermittent photos of my boyfriend and I in this blog post, you ask? This is all relevant because Michael, said boyfriend, is a year older than me, and is graduating in roughly two weeks. I, said wanderer, am not. I still have a year to go as an undergrad student, and I'm coming to terms that his adulthood adventure is starting a little before mine. 

It should be noted that I am so proud of him. I'm so proud of him my stomach hurts. Does that make sense? (no). But seriously, he has worked so hard, is graduating with honors, and has an amazing two year job contract at a finance firm thing (what?) in San Francisco, and I am so stoked to see him thrive. However, there's a part of me that can't help but feel left behind. 

For someone who had no clue where she was headed, it was such a weird sensation to have a road sign placed in front of me. Basically, I should be imagining my life in San Francisco from this point on and it is both comforting and terrifying that there is finally a place where I can project my life experiences happening, and it not be a stupid fantasy inspired by pinterest. Six months ago I could have been told that Michael was headed to Montana or Hawaii or Switzerland, and that would've been my guide, but like this is it. San Francisco, California is claiming my love.

Obviously nothing is concrete and it's not a 100% guarantee that I will follow Michael to San Fran, but it just feels like that is my new direction. It's strange. It's incredibly strange to see him go there first, and be stuck here with my midterms and group projects and lectures.


Since I will be in Uganda all of May and have Summer School all day every day in June, Michael and I really only have a few weeks left to spend together before things change a whole bunch. I'm sure she had no idea, but when a pal of a pal Alivia Latimer called and asked to snap some pictures of Michael and I, she didn't know that she was capturing some precious mems for me to hold onto during these next two years of unknowns, and for that I'm super thankful. I hopefully will be able to find a job in San Francisco after graduation, but life is crazy and messy and wonderful, and honestly, who knows where my path is headed. I just know I'm lucky to be so loved, and that's all that matters for now. I'll just be bathin' myself in Clarity essential oil blends in the mean time.

a huge thanks to Alivia Latimer for all the incredible photography featured in this post.