Dear Long Distance,

I wish there were a word for feeling 100% happy for someone and being 100% jealous of them to the point of bitterness all at the same time, because if there were, I would write it down and that would be the end of this blog post. But since that word doesn't exist as far as I know, I guess I'll go ahead and drone on about the crazy odd mix of emotions that I've been feeling this week.

First of all, pulling into San Fransisco was a dream. I had only been there one other time for just a couple days, so I hadn't really gotten a good feel for the city. This time, I was really busy also so I didn't get to explore too much, but when I was exploring, I just got so excited and felt so at home in the busy streets. 

Michael's apartment is so charming and cute also. This is where the envy comes in. He lives in a corner unit in the North Beach area of San Fran, and his room overlooks the bay and he is a 10 minute walk from like everything in the city. We were walking around to Trader Joe's and World Market and sushi restaurants and coffee shops and it sounds dumb, but it just felt like the whole world was at his finger tips and in a way, it made me feel so stuck in Malibu. I KNOW. I know. Malibu is an incredible place to live as well, but without your best friend there, it seems a little sleepy and lonely. San Fran is bustling and happening and innovative and EVERYTHING. ugh. Even as I write this I totally feel guilty for being unhappy with Malibu. I don't know. I just feel like a piece of my heart stayed in the city when I came back and now my home feels a little emptier. 

Fixing up the apartment was interesting too. It was like one of those moments where you know you're gonna look back and laugh. We were having the roughest time painting these textured walls and we did like 2 and a half coats before we busted out the pizza and beer and sat on the floor to eat cause we hadn't built any of the Ikea furniture yet to eat on. It felt like those cheesy country songs that talk about when "they were just kids" or whatever. Like Michael and I are on the cusp of adulthood and he is starting his career and I'm just bouncing around trying to figure out my passion. Perhaps my passion is pizza and beer. Can I turn that into a career? Anyway... I can't even explain the pride I feel for him at the same time. This kid is toe to toe with Stanford, Harvard, Yale, and all the other Ivy League graduates and he is headed to big things. He is so driven and excited, and I know he's gonna be "that guy" that everyone looks to at his job. He has always been that guy, and that's why I like him so much. I am so happy he gets to explore this incredible city and live his finance job dreams. And he looks so darn cute in his fancy clothes.

Also,

The room turned out pretty awesome.

I could lay in the fluffy down comforter-ed bed and watch people walk by those windows all day long. It's so dreamy and cozy and exactly what I wanted his room to be for him. He has four windows since he's on the corner so you seriously feel immersed in the city. 

We even DIY'd this hanging closet because San Fran closets are a little smaller than most. Low-key proud of our interior design skills haha.

I think overall, after moving Michael in I'm super bummed but I'm actually so motivated. Being in the city and feeling a little buzz of energy makes me want to start running in the morning and eat paleo granola for a snack or something. I'm totally planning to use this last year of college to get going on some things I'm passionate about, glow up a little, step up my wardrobe game, and live a little bolder. So I'm calling that my silver lining and San Fran Resolution. 

Dear Long Distance, 

You totally suck. I hate you I hate you I hate you. But I thank you for the opportunity to grow.

Please be nice to my melancholic heart, and hopefully you'll be gone before I know it.

xx

Kendall